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Welcome to Orsm.net. Brrrr.
Howdy pardners. I'm going to start with yet another repetitive comment on the weather and there's not a thing you can do about it. Why? Because it's my fucking website and I'm fucking cold. Last night dropped to 2.6°C [36°F] which admittedly sucked balls. Same forecast for tonight too. Unfortunately mine is a house cold as fuck. Sleeping is fine - pull up the covers and enjoy it but how anyone is supposed to make the bed to bathroom dash and wait for the shower to reach scolding without testicles painfully retracting causing asphyxia is beyond me.
The week until yesterday has been a touch on the windy/stormy side. Fine by me... who doesn't love that shit? Broken tree branches everywhere, wheelie bins on their sides and parts of my patio roof strewn across the neighbourhood is what I live for. More now dammit!
Woke up Friday to a couple of SMS messages asking if MJ was really dead. Say what now? On goes the radio and yes it seems that he was... along with Farrah Fawcett, Jeff Goldblum and Harrison Ford. Ooops. Good day to be a funeral director... and good day for joke writers it seems - there was already a couple sitting in my email by the time I got to the computer only a few hours after departure. You'll find them below.
As for MJ... I'm a bit surprised he lasted this long. 50 years old is far too early for anyone to pop but let's face it, the guy suffered a lifetime of torture at the hands of a despot father, crackpot fans and money-grubbing worms trying constantly to extract his riches. Maybe he's better off. One thing is for sure - with all the auto-tuned, repetitive rubbish that talentless 'artists' pump out today there'll never be another Michael Jackson.
Weeeeeeekend. The aforementioned stormy conditions limited activities to mostly indoors. That didn't stop me from running around and researching my much hyped kitchen renovation but it did bring some perspective, a reality check - the minimum $10,000 it would cost me, I don't have to throw away. Quite simple when it's put in those terms. All is not lost though... I've devised a 'freshen' which shouldn't blow the budget. We'll see.
Hit the town Saturday night. Got to the bar at 8.30pm, next thing I know its closing time. Kids let this be a lesson to never consume alcohol on an empty stomach... particularly shooters or challenge drinking. It never ends well. Home to bed from there - bite to eat and passed out not to be heard from again until the next afternoon. That'll teach me. The afternoon was well spent at least. A visit to the grandparents house for a lesson on family history and long lost relatives that we've recently made contact with. Turns out that I had a great uncle [or something] that could have been my identical twin. A good trick considering he died 20 years before I emerged. Really need to get my shit sorted in the next couple of years and go visit. Again - we'll see.
Okay that's enough bloggery for even me to bare. Let's kick the absolutely sick update into gear and enjoy some QT together. Check it...
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It's Game Time - Close Encounter - Mariah Hotness? - Fucking OUCH - Sox Dancer - On Stage BJ - Real Talk
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Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her pussy. After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll fuck you with a condom!!"
--
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do.""Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it." "Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified... "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course," the doctor replied. "Where Do you think Muslims come from."
--
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
ORSM
VIDEO
THE KING IS DEAD
Michael Jackson died while trying to play the guitar. Apparently he had a heart attack after his G string snapped while trying to finger A minor.
Since Michael Jackson was 99% plastic, he will be melted down and moulded into Lego so that children can play with him for a change...
McDonalds has announced "the McJackson". It's a 50 year old piece of meat between 6 year old buns.
I'm going to see a new group next month – the Jackson 4.
Michael Jackson had so much plastic surgery they are moving his corpse straight into Madame Tussauds – no need for a waxwork.
After the autopsy they stitched Michael Jackson up with a glue gun.
Jacko died of a heart attack this morning shocked when he discovered that Boyz II Men was a band, not a delivery service.
Bad timing with the Jacko death - he was due on a family vacation in Florida next week... he was going to Tampa with the kids.
It seems Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack at home. He was in the children's ward, having a stroke.
Due to Michael Jackson's unexpected demise, all of his dates in London have had to be cancelled. Starting with James, aged 10, Peter aged 9...
Michael Jackson's three kids are being taken over by the NSPCC. However, Madonna has already said she would take Bubbles to add to their growing collection of monkeys!
MJ is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into plastic shopping bags so that he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.
MJ has just been refused entry into Heaven...
Don't blame it on the sunshine,
Don't blame it on the moonlight,
Don't blame it on the good times,
Blame it on the buggery.
An autopsy has revealed that Jacko's death was drug related. Medical experts are warning of the dangers of using 7 to 10 year old crack!
Confirmation has been received that Michael Jackson died today. Sources close to the Jackson family say the cause of death was a heart attack brought on by food poisoning. Apparently he ate some 12 year old nuts.
The world mourns the loss today of two great white women, Farrah and Michael.
Michael Jackson wanted to be cremated, and his ashes to be placed in a box of rice bubbles - just so he could experience coming out of a kids arse again.
They are going to bury Michael in South Australia - they get a 5 cent refund for recyclable plastics.
He didn't die of a heart attack. He drowned in the Hudson River. His body was found bobbing under a buoy.
Farrah Fawcett went into a coma. God appeared and said to her "Farrah, you have given so much pleasure to so many people, what would you like as your final wish?" Farrah said "I would like all the children around the world to be happy and safe". So God killed Michael Jackson.
Police have ruled out foul play in the death of Jacko, he simply tripped over a pram in his flat. Police are blaming it on the buggy.
Jacko's ghost has been sighted in a children's hospital, looks like he will continue to try to put the willies up small children.
Michael Jackson is dead. Hospital staff don't know what to do with the body as plastic recycle night is not until next Tuesday.
In a recent interview, Michael Jackson said he wants to have 10 children. He also said he wants to be a father again.
| CARLI AND JANA...YOW! |
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HOW OUR CURRENT ECONOMY WORKS
It is the month of May, in Dublin. It is raining, and the place looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Then, one day, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters a hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, saying that he did not like any of them, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism...
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how most Governments do business today!
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing. Her husband groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?"
She tells him that she has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a cock auction. She said, "They had BIG ones there that were 12 inches long and big around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars.
She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long ones that were slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000 dollars.
The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there any at the auction like mine?"
She says, "Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for a quarter..."
He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep.
Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing. The wife asks him, "What in the world are you laughing about?" He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a pussy auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were selling for $50,000 dollars. He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going for $42,000 dollars".
The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine? He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!
He rushes out to her, asking, "What's the problem... are you gonna be ok?" "No..." exclaims the blonde."I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mum died too!!"
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, correct me, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty anything else you can attach to an email
then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and do your thing.
Grant wrote:
Subject: Ruining Christmas
Why didn't they just shit in the box rather than put clothes in it? It would have achieved the same effect. I hope that the asshats who did this to this kid wind up with a bad case of swine flu or something long and painful. Who had the big idea to videotape this thing anyway? What a bunch of fucking morons. Get me the name of this kid and I will get him what was supposed to be in the box. |
Z_Subs wrote:
Subject: The average length and girth of an Australian website operators penis
"The average length and girth of an Australian website operators penis is
1.87 times greater than his next nearest competition, typically African
American males."
Yeah, right.... (and you probably thought we didn't read everything?)
All true mate. -Orsm |
Shane wrote:
Subject: Ebay transaction
Mr.Orsm, I repair Xbox 360's due to the fact they are a POS.......no probs...makes me a fair amount of coin. So here is the scenario, I needed a new DVD drive for a customer and the only ones I could find priced decent were on Ebay. All of them were from China except one seller from North Carolina.... [continues]
Typical. Have had similar shit with retards selling shit they don't have. Oddly enough the best sellers seem to be from Asian countries. By far the worst are Americans. -Orsm
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Roger wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail
Just commenting on the simple minded dickhead named marc that sent in with a picture of another loser's car with a sticker on the back window suggesting he has "balls" because it said some shit about HOONS innocent until proven guilty. You must be a pathetic little creature to look up to someone like this. You see most people don't get off hearing some asshole screech their tyres and drive their car down a suburban street as fast as they can and rev the engine out till it is about to explode. So marc it is like when you are hiding in your room playing with your little dick, nobody knows or wants to know so go find a place where you can not be heard or seen and take your deadshit mates and "Hoon" all you F***** want and perhaps you won't be bothered by the police. p.s I am guessing you still get a fat looking at that sticker and have given yourself a good flogging many times over it you wanker.
Not everyone that is targetted under the hoon laws is done so fairly. It's reactionary and heavy handed. -Orsm |
doaklsmith wrote:
Subject: Volcanic Eruption Photographed from Space
VOLCANIC VISTAS: On June 12th, astronauts onboard the International Space Station watched in amazement as Russia's Sarychev Peak volcano erupted directly beneath their spacecraft. The rare photo they took is a
must-see. An enormous sulfur dioxide plume from the eruption is now circumnavigating the globe at northern latitudes, producing spectacular sunsets for international air travelers. |
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chris wrote:
Subject: funny sign
found this going to lunch one day... no details plz
Unfortunately I don't thinking gting to K.Y. would help his situation. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bathroom Pic
Caption was titled "Bathroom Pic: Payback is a bitch, Love ya!". Nothing says love like accidentally pawning your friend's Bathroom Pics on myspace for other folk to give to orsm ;) Love is a funny thing haha. No info if you post please |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: sexy wife
Thought I would send a couple of pics of the naughty girl that is my wife! pics were taken on a beach in Cornwall UK with people watching!!! Hide the details please. |
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Ross wrote:
Subject: The likeness is unbelievable!
In these tough economic times, my government has taken decisive action....... The Milky Bars are on me!
Uncanny. -Orsm |
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Mario wrote:
Subject: Pictures for orsm.net
Hi mate. Long time reader, first time poster here :-) This is what i saw the other day over close to the parra westfied, i thought was funny and took a pic. pls keep my details private. cheers |
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KEYBANGER wrote:
Subject: chekit
Gday Mr O, love the site and all that shyte. Came across this this morning and thought it might give you some ideas next time you need to do an oil change or something. Enjoy, and keep up the good work! |
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James wrote:
Subject: what would you do if...
You found out your husband had just died in a plane crash and a big fat lady next to you then went for the grope? |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Big bad wolf
just one of the reasons for predator control laws
Poor little guy... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: a few pics of a internet ex friend
heres a few pics t ouse in rs. we sent emails back and forth for a while and she finally sent me these please withhold my info |
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Jay wrote:
Subject: Albino Moose Pix of a Lifetime
Not one, but two ! Truly amazing ! These animals were photographed just north of the Wisconsin border on a highway near Marenisco , MI .. Once in awhile there is an opportunity to take in a piece of nature that you may never see. In these days of unrest and turmoil it is great to see that Mother Nature can still produce some wondrous beauty. The odds of seeing an albino moose are astronomical and to see this in the upper peninsula of Michigan , near Wisconsin , is even greater than astronomical. To see two of them together is nearly impossible. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: dirty fat slut pics
Hi Mr Orsm, long time reader here from the UK, thought I'd expose this stupid little tart as she's getting irritating now - her email is faffyd_2006@hotmail.com and you can also find her on Facebook - Catherine Davies - not that you'd want to, I mean look at the state of her. She's from a lovely part of England called Liverpool - where nearly all the women look like that. |
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Carson wrote:
Subject: dont have outlook
Sick site i tell everyone i knwo about it. This is a couple pictures i got in Mexico. We were in the country for about 12 hours, after having a few drinks we decided to go for a late night swim. 500$, 6 stiches and a terrifying Mexican doctor visit he was ready to party again |
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b wrote:
Subject: lost his camera in the honeymoon
A friend that works for a hotel found this photos in a camera that someone forgot there. Enjoy. Your site is awesome. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Black Eye
Now I love a topless web cam girl as much as the next guy. This bitch actually went on cam with a Black Eye. I told her once already to stop going on camera! Now I gotta blacken her other eye, because I love her...........Just kidding, Enjoy. Please withold, ORSM Rules! |
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ORSM
VIDEO
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
| CRISTA MOORE...PLEASE! |
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A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?" His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."
His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's vagina?" "Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.
"OK dad, just one more question... what is that really smooth piece of skin that is below a woman's vagina?" The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."
| A QUIET DAY AT THE OFFICE... |
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There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go in business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his own business.
About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business." "Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."
"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself." "Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work."
ORSM
VIDEO
Let me make this brief...
- Check out the site archives... because they're sure as heckfire checkin' you out!
- Επόμενη ενημέρωση θα είναι την επόμενη Πέμπτη.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will turn you into the next big thing. You'll be world famous, have legions of fans and be worth millions. Eventually he'll leak rumours that you're into kids, paint you as an eccentric weirdo and make your life a living hell. Right when the worst is behind you, right when you think it's all about to turn around, he'll take you aside and whisper "this is what happens when you don't tell your friends about Orsm" and then give you with a hotshot of Demerol. Trust me - I've seen it happen before...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
