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Welcome to Orsm.net. We were on a break.
Holy fuck it's September which means the year is more or less over. It also means I'm feeling all... springy. The bitter cold of an even bitterer [yes that's a word] winter is finally relenting, it's barely rained in weeks and my faithful little foot heater hasn't been on all week. I guess it's time to start thinking about summer and I just wish it would hurry the fuck up and arrive so I can start complaining about the heat...
Its election time again. No not the US Presidential election. I'm talking about a race of miniscule significance - a state election. As usual it's been a letterbox busting [aka. bin filling] assault of junk mail touting policies and achievements of people that you've never heard of, explaining how to vote for them and their party. The sad thing is it's really just a big waste of time. We're talking state politics so anything that I would care about, anything that actually affects me is "managed at a federal level".
So how to vote and what to vote on? Their policies are more or less the same and the points of derivation are not exactly vote changing. I can't help but feeling that five years from now we'll be where we are no matter whose had the reigns. The thing I find frustrating is that of the two biggest parties, the two ‘main' options, I don't particularly like either of them. Where are the guys that have big ideas? Where are the guys who aren't just in this for the paycheque, the perks and their ego? And would it be so bad to spend more time talking about what you can do instead of how shit the opposition is?
Moving on... as I mentioned last week when I let my friend Ray step in to blog for you guys [sorry about that] I managed to grab a couple of days away. A holiday, vacation - whatever you want to call it. Four days in the glorious southwest and a much, much needed chance to recharge the batteries de-stress and escape the "I've got a problem with my computer" phone calls that come constantly. Honestly if I ever get sick of doing this website thing then I'm definitely going into PC repair. There must be shit loads of money in it. Anyway I digress...
We stayed on a farm in the middle of buttfuck rural nowhere. I usually prefer staying close to the coast but the lure of farm animals won out. I'm the ultimate city slicker so anything beyond dogs and cats are just things you eat. It was good fun though. They didn't really smell like I expected and they don't bite like I also expected. I'm also no longer scared of horses... or at least not the mini Shetland ones they had...
The only low point of the whole holiday was seeing a kangaroo get mowed down by a car in front, run over by another car and then watching it try to get up a few times before dying on the road. Kangaroos are apparently at plague proportions in some areas but it was still traumatic.
The coolest part of the trip was stumbling upon some German guy, also in the middle of nowhere, who spends his days making amazing woodfired bread. I love finding stuff like that. I'm sure if you look hard enough there's probably dozens of places close to civilisation that do exactly the same thing but novelty factor was definitely there.
Okay enough rambling. Time to get on with the update, which if the amount of hours that have gone into slapping it all together are anything to go by, is sure to be a winner. I guess what I'm trying to say is grab your rubber gloves, box of tissues and check it...
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Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
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Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says "Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister"
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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and fuck's off.
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A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head." The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
--
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?". The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black person to be elected President of the United States." St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?" To which Obama replies, "About twenty minutes ago."
| EVE LAURENCE: WANKTASTIC |
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Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, " Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."
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ORSM
VIDEO
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TECH SUPPORT - HOW CAN I HELP?
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Customer: Hi I have a problem with my Canon printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
| I DRUNK |
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READER MAIL
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Have you submitted today? High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, Ex girllfriend porn, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and send down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.
Gordon wrote:
Subject: BAR ROOM ECONOMICS - HOW THE TAX SYSTEM WORKS
That is the finest piece you've ever printed,,,,, and it's so damn true and yet people don't understand at all!!!!! People still want to have their cake,,,, AND eat it, too! |
Chris wrote:
Subject: Olympic results
For Gawdsake, be careful in claiming victory in the 'limpics, this is the results I found..............
The top 10:
1. Jamaica (7) - 400,618;
2. Slovenia (5) - 401,542; 3. New Zealand (9) - 463,717;
4. Australia (36) - 572,246;
5. Armenia (5) - 593,717;
6. Estonia (2) - 653,802;
7. Bahrain (1) - 718,306;
8. Belarus (13) - 745,059;
9. Cuba (13) - 878,765;
10. Denmark (6) - 914,128; 11. Norway (5) - 928,891;
13. Georgia (4) - 1,157,710;
22. Britain (37) - 1,647,132;
41. Greece (3) - 3,574,272;
42. United States (82) - 3,705,178;
50. Japan (23) - 5,534,279;
53. Israel (1) - 7,112,359;
70. Afghanistan (1) - 32,738,376;
75. Mexico (2) - 54,977,700; 79. India (2) - 573,997,949
Lets take the piss out of the curry munchers, and draw everyones attention away from the kiwi thing................ |
Myles wrote:
Subject: poms
Just on the Poms at the Olympic the fly under the banner of great britian because England is not a country so if you take out Scotland & wales & Ireland? Not to sure about the last one you would find they have FUCK all medals & are still shit at any sport |
Dubs wrote:
Subject: It is worth the read
Frame this.. Dude has a stop over in Melbourne for 5 hrs, goes out and has beer and chinese food, please read and enjoy... |
Psycheman wrote:
Subject: 2 tits make an ass
Mr. Orsm, Saw this on ImageBeaver.com and thought your ORSM'ers would like an optical illusion. Seems these girls are twins and by mashing one of their tits together, give the effect of a very nice ass. Even I had to look at it twice. Fair Dinkum. |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Viagara violence
The most embarrassing part is when you just want to 'try it out' and you have to front the Doctor for a prescription and explain why you need it... Any man who says he hasn't used Viagara, is as big a liar as his brother who claims he has never masturbated. Me??? well you can see I don't even know how to spell it. As for the attachment, well, you be the Judge... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wife's tits
Orsm, If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to ask you (and your readers) for your HONEST opinion. My wife wants to get a boob job. I personally think they're just fine as is. Are they huge, monster boobs? No. But I prefer the natural look/feel to grabbing onto a couple of bowling balls, softballs, or even tennis balls. She thinks they're embarassingly small and can't stand them. So what do you think? Are these things really that bad?? Thanks for your input, and feel free to post but hide info. P.S. The attached photo makes them look as if one is much larger than the other, but it's just an illusion. They're actually perfectly matched. |
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Ken wrote:
Subject: Pub Signage
Hi Orsm! This was spotted in a boozer in Newcastle upon Tyne, UK. Check it out. I thought it was funny anyway! Keep up the fantastic site man! |
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REALLY Dirtied Your Car wrote:
Subject: Ladies water polo: Bosnia vs. Kosovo
Do not take this as a slagging of womens rights etc. This is an actual photo of the Bosnia vs Kosovo ladies water polo team at a pre Olympics scratch match. Question is Which team is which? It only takes a couple of seconds to identify the teams. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Parking Job
Mr. Orsm, I just took this picture the other day and thought that I would give you first dibs on the picture. Please withhold my information. Thank you. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: randomness
Please notice the framed pic in the background. He must be so proud. Keep up the good work.
How could he NOT be proud? -Orsm
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Howlin Hodag wrote:
Subject: Pics from Bristol Motor Speedway
Love the site. Just got back from Bristol Motor Speedway in Tennesse. And my wife thought we went there for the racing...
Boobs. That's what they're for. -Orsm
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Savannah wrote:
Subject: email
me
The more I look at this pic the more I can't tell if its a dude or a chick... -Orsm |
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PAUL wrote:
Subject: email
Bush is on the job
Perk of the job. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Psycho ex gf
Hey Mr Orsm, I've been trying to get a psycho bitch ex off my back for the last couple of years, and have meant to send you through these pics earlier as a deterrent to her, but kept putting it off... I can't imagine why though... There are some decent quality & not so decent. Take your pick, pls withhold details. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: naughty nurse
hey mr.orsm...the pics attached, my mate found a while back. they are of a nurse who use to work at our school. bit of a skank, and this just proves it.. small towns will do bad things to people. hopw you enjoy. keep my info private please. cheers |
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sfenn wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi ORSM love the site keep up the good work, a mate & me went up to exmouth to have a look around last week set up camp opened a tinnie & two birds come out of the bush to have a drink with us, very friendly indeed. |
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Big M wrote:
Subject: Guess who?
Guess who this is ????? Have another look..... Again? I don't know either... but I'd give her one !
I did give her one. Wasn't that good actually. -Orsm
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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Job Opening, are you interested?
Position: Surveyor. Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free). Qualification: Must be fast on your feet. Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bear's breakfast your Management is standing there taking photos? |
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Iain wrote:
Subject: IQ Test
This is cool..... See how you go! All though i am a bit worried why the dad cant stay with his girls.
I did not even come remotely close. I am dum. -Orsm |
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A guy, working 35 floors up at a construction site, had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him he was going to go down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was nuts, explaining that by the time he got down and back up he would lose a half hour of time.
Instead, the foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building, stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and do what he had to do. He added that since they were 35 floors up, his pee would turn into vapour before it reached the bottom. So, the guy decided to take his foreman's advice.
Suddenly, the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, causing the guy to fall to his death!
At the inquest, another worker who was on the 31st floor at the time of the accident was asked if he knew what happened.
"I'm not sure," he replied, "but I think it had something to do with sex."
"Something to do with sex?" the coroner said, puzzled. "What would make you think that?"
"Well," the worker replied, "I saw the guy falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where did that cocksucker go?!?"
ORSM
VIDEO
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm Staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a Blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm Sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy...
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto".
| CHLOE DIOR |
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ORSM
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RANDOM SHITE
A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."
The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."
He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'
I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."
The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now'."
"But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man that would have pissed me off for sure!" "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset." "No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?" "Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
| MILITARY SHENANIGANS |
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The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.
After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.
After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers, "No problem! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "OK. I cut! I cut!"
| RED NECKIN' |
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that"...
ORSM
VIDEO
Aaaaaaaaaaand... DONE.
- Check. Out. The. Site. Archives.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Oh yes it will... a goochy-goochy-goo.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will show up at your work naked and start screaming "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?"
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and congrats L & D. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
