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Welcome to Orsm.net. Jotdogg has king kong balls.
Having kind of an awesome week and what's more, it's been almost entirely interruption and annoyance free. I've managed to get a crapload of work done, my back and muscles finally stopped being always sore, decreased the pile of emails awaiting response, exercised three out of the last four days, spent time with numerous friends and fam, finally booked the motherfucking October overseas trip, Foo Fighters cranked and even had a few spare minutes to indulge some passions. Srsly - I wish every week was like this. I'd have no qualms about sitting at the computer 16 hours a day if there was more of balance. Of course it hasn't been all rainbows and lollipops though... my feet are literally cold as fuck. #firstworldproblem
Alright I vote for me to keep on talking about me. Anyone who disagrees speak up now? Anyone who has a better idea speak up now? No one...? Okay sweet. So let's start with the very moment last week's update went live then.
Babysitting. Yeah... that's right. The second time anyone has ever trusted me to look after their kids. Friends had a thing on for a couple of hours so we were called in to supervise. Not really all that hard. Give baby a bottle and place in cot, leave room quietly, put older two to bed, watch TV. All went well, no one died and I successfully used my delegation skills to change a horrendously soiled nappy.
Friday was insane. Early start to drop the GF at work then straight to the chiro for what can only be described as a brutal, nay violent, adjustment. My groans were met with amusement, his amusement was met with a "I like you but fuck you". As I was driving out of the car park the phone rang, a mate had seen me go by and called me back for a coffee. Get out of the car and spot male parent there too. All a bit random. Next was to visit my sicky niece and then coastward for a long overdue catch up with a friend. More coffee. A grocery gathering expedition then took place as did checking my Powerball tickets from the mega draw and I was overjoyed to see the "Winner - do you wish to see the amount?" message appear both times. No doubt my body language quickly changed to express a 'catch you fuckers later' emotion. It was short-lived however. Almost broke even and never been so happy to get almost all my money back. Quickly stopped past home to unload foodstuffs and immediately headed back out the door to see another friend for even more coffee. From there it was homeward to feed the mutt, a clothes change and out for after work drinks in the city. Had every intention of getting drunk that night. Matter of fact I can't remember the last time I smashed. Sad and pathetic I know. Anyway the plan was to drive in, get boozed up and the other half drive home. Unfortunately the other half had made a start therefore depriving me of a hangover. Nonetheless it beats what we usually do on a Friday night, namely food acquisition. Hadn't realised how grown up and gay it was that this had become the norm but with such a ridiculously busy year it's usually the only time we both have. This fact did little to alleviate the [much deserved] mocking when it leaked out though.
The first half of Saturday was mine to do as I please and it was begun the day with a couple of hours washing car. Once my baby was back to shiny awesomeness [and in the wake of a nasty servicing bill] I took off to scout the perspective next vehicle. Goal was to find something greener, smaller and cheaper to run. That's the easy part but absolutely no idea how I'll my ego will cope with something that doesn't have eight cylinders and oversized wheels. The past week caught up to me that afternoon so confined myself to light duties around the house recharging. That night, more babysitting, this time for different friends. Could not have been easier - mummy put child to bed and left... didn't hear a peep after that. Thus far I'm making child minding my bitch and if Orsm should suddenly end, at least I'll have be able to find work. Ex-pornographer babysitter at your service.
Mother's Day Sunday. Based on previous experiences I decided to get ahead of the game and nominate my house for breakfast. Masterstroke really - took away the angst that comes with trying to organise a café or whatever that suits everyone, or rather a place no one has an issue with. So it was up early again to start cooking some shit ahead of the fam rolling around. Friends dropped by somewhere in the middle and we were all clear by lunchtime-ish. Rest of the day - cooking. Wanted to whip up a soup I'd not attempted before. Needless to say it was frickin' incredible, calories were ingested and all consumers were satisfied. And that boys and girls was more or less it.
Okay we shall now move on with our lives. I quite often write something here about how amazing this week's update is and whilst it's always true, the big guns have been brought out today. Had a fucking great time sticking this behemoth together, the content kicks ass and you bastards can have your money back if you don't enjoy it. Check it...
Jnr Vs Snr - Cycling Porn - Facebook Hotties - Pretttty Funny - Penis Torture - Self Facial - Tranny Freak - Mugshots
Ghetto Blowjob - Side Boobie - SloMo Win - Cops Fail - Human...? - Money Shots - Why U Mad? - Anal Art - Celebrate
Fuck U Bitch - Poor Cows - Alexis Titties - I Can't - Negro Nazi - Timberrr - Messy BJ - Lil Caprice - Delivered - Racked
Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks, we went upstairs and while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope that's not that fat one from last week". The girl said "What the fuck was that?" I said "It's that bastard memory foam mattress".
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My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I am coming or going". "I said to her "Judging by the look on your face, you're going 'coz when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
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My girlfriend was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered. As I got up to walk out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and replied "Make up your mind. Do you want me to stay or go?"
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A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
ORSM
VIDEO
DUMB GAME SHOW ANSWERS
FAMILY FORTUNES
MAX BYGRAVES: Name something people take to the beach
CONTESTANT: Turkey.
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LES DENNIS: Name a topping you'd put on a baked potato?
CONTESTANT: Jam.
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LES DENNIS: Where is the Taj Mahal?
CONTESTANT: Opposite the dental hospital.
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LES DENNIS: Name a bird with a long neck?
CONTESTANT: Naomi Campbell.
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LES DENNIS: Name something associated with pigs.
CONTESTANT: The police.
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LES DENNIS: Name something red.
CONTESTANT: My cardigan.
THE WEAKEST LINK
ANNE ROBINSON: Name the man who was President of Italy until May 2006.
CONTESTANT: Don Corleone.
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ANNE ROBINSON: Complete the title of the well-known play, The Iceman...?
CONTESTANT: Melts.
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ANNE ROBINSON: What was the sequel to the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer?
CONTESTANT: I Know What You Did Last Winter.
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ANNE ROBINSON: What B was a pseudonym used by Charles Dickens?
CONTESTANT: Bart Simpson.
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ANNE ROBINSON: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison, or the Conservative Party?
CONTESTANT: The Conservative Party.
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
EAMONN HOLMES: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
CONTESTANT: Basketball.
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QUESTION: What is the world's largest continent?
CONTESTANT: The Pacific.
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EAMONN HOLMES: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
CONTESTANT: William Shakespeare.
DOG EAT DOG
ULRIKA JONSSON: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
CONTESTANT: Enid Blyton.
THIS MORNING
FERN BRITTON: Which actress starred in Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally?
CONTESTANT: Tom Hanks.
BLOCKBUSTERS
BOB HOLNESS: What K is a suicide mission for a pilot?
CONTESTANT: Kama Sutra.
WOGAN'S PERFECT RECALL
TERRY WOGAN: Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?
CONTESTANT: Hazzard.
SARA COX SHOW, BBC RADIO 1
SARA COX: Beauty is in the eye of the...?
CONTESTANT: Tiger.
2CR FM
PRESENTER: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
CONTESTANT: Leonardo di Caprio.
HEART FM
PRESENTER: Emmental and Double Gloucester are both types of what?
CONTESTANT: Banks.
VIKING FM
PRESENTER: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?
CONTESTANT: George Bush.
SPIN STAR
DARREN DAY: What area of Germany is the cake named after, made with chocolate, cream, kirsch and cherries?
CONTESTANT: Belgium.
BBC RADIO MERSEYSIDE
PRESENTER: What was Hitler's first name?
CONTESTANT: Heil.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
JEREMY PAXMAN: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
CONTESTANT: Homosexuals.
JEREMY PAXMAN: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
JAMIE THEAKSTON: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
CONTESTANT: Geography isn't my strong point.
JAMIE THEAKSTON: There's a clue in the title.
CONTESTANT: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
STEWART WHITE: Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World'?
Contestant: I don't know.
STEWART WHITE: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
CONTESTANT: Arm.
STEWART WHITE: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
CONTESTANT: Strong.
STEWART WHITE: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
CONTESTANT: Louis.
STEWART WHITE: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World'?
CONTESTANT: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
ALEX TRELINSKI: What is the capital of Italy?
CONTESTANT: France.
TRELINSKI: France is another country. Try again.
CONTESTANT: Oh, um, Benidorm.
TRELINSKI: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
CONTESTANT: Sorry, I don't know.
TRELINSKI: Just guess a country then.
CONTESTANT: Paris.
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ MARK: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
CONTESTANT: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
BAMBER GASCOYNE: What was Gandhi's first name?
CONTESTANT: Goosey?
GWR FM (BRISTOL)
PRESENTER: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
CONTESTANT: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
PHIL: What's 11 squared?
CONTESTANT: I don't know.
PHIL: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
CONTESTANT: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
RICHARD: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
CONTESTANT: Forrest Gump.
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RICHARD: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
CONTESTANT: Err...
RICHARD: He makes bread...
CONTESTANT: Err...
RICHARD: He makes cakes...
CONTESTANT: Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
PRESENTER: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
CONTESTANT: Barcelona.
PRESENTER: I was really after the name of a country.
CONTESTANT: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
PRESENTER: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
CONTESTANT: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
STEVE LE FEVRE: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
CONTESTANT: Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
JAMES O'BRIEN: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
CONTESTANT: Err well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth... err... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
CHRIS SEARLE: In which European country is Mount Etna?
CALLER: Japan.
CHRIS SEARLE: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
CALLER: Err... Mexico?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
PAUL WAPPAT: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
DARYL DENHAM: In which country would you spend shekels?
CONTESTANT: Holland?
DARYL DENHAM: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
CONTESTANT: Iceland? Ireland ?
DARYL DENHAM: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
CONTESTANT: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
PHIL WOOD: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
CONTESTANT: Err...
PHIL WOOD: It's got two syllables... Kor...
CONTESTANT: Blimey?
PHIL WOOD: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run...
CONTESTANT: (Silence)
PHIL WOOD: Okay, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
CONTESTANT: Walked?
THE VAULT
MELANIE SYKES: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
CONTESTANT: Nostalgia.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
WRIGHT: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
CONTESTANT: Jesus.
| LEIGH... I'M LOVING IT... |
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says "Dark in here". The man says "Yes, it is". Boy "I have a golf ball". Man - "That's nice". Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks". Boy "My dad's outside". Man "Okay, how much?"
Boy "$250".
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy "Dark in here". Man "Yes, it is". Boy "I have sand wedge". The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?" Boy "$750" Man "Sold".
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy "Grab your wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, "I can't - I sold my ball and sand wedge, Dad". The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy "$1,000". The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess".
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says "Dark in here". The priest says "Don't start that shit with me again..."
ORSM
VIDEO
MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-thru ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender'.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
| CATWALK NIPS ARE WHAT WE LOVE ABOUT FASHION |
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for a present. "I'd like to be eight again" she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and huge bag of M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!"
The moral of the story: even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
| YOU PARK LIKE A FUCK |
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READER MAIL
The influx of email over the last week had a lot to do with why I fell asleep in front of the computer last night. Not because it was boring - more to do with the sheer volume and time it took to sort through, clean up and decide what will actually make todays update. That in mind I have some words for you guys: keep it coming!
If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. Juuuuuuuust click here and make it all happen.
justin wrote:
Subject: Calling all Roadrunner cartoon fans!
Awseome :) Much better than the crap they call cartoons on tv these days!! This is an absolute classic. BEEP BEEP! Finally a new Roadrunner cartoon. This is the first one done with computer graphics. Lots can be done with computer graphics that would be far more expensive to do in drawn animation. For instance....... note the reflection in the stainless tanker as it speeds past the rock-face. The computer graphics look good! And it still has that old Roadrunner fun. Only 3 minutes, but it's 3 minutes of fun! |
Gordon wrote:
Subject: Incredible Predator
Osprey The Ultimate Fisher. I've never seen a bird shake water off like a dog does - wouldn't want to get in the way of him when he's got his eyes locked and his talons in the "load" position! There are 3 sequences in this one video: 1st sequence he catches half a dozen fish in one strike. 2nd sequence he plunges talons into deep water right to the bottom to grab his prey. 3rd sequence he captures a big old fat fish that looks as if it weighs
more than he does! |
MUHAMMAD wrote:
Subject: the previous owners of my vehicle
bought a used Focus, here's what fell out from behind the glove box while cleaning.
They're all hot. Win. -Orsm |
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Cathloser wrote:
Subject: The Dreaded Cane Toad
All I can say is EEWWWWWWWWW!!!!! We breed them big and tough at the water treatment plant at Bedourie QUEENSLANDER!!
Looks more like a baby dinosaur. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: random shite?
First time contributer, long time reader. This ad was seen in the north of Scotland - check out the email address at the bottom.... Please withhold all my details. Cheers mate, great site!
Guess who was severely abused as a child... -Orsm |
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Steve wrote:
Subject: Emailing
It's TIME to suck on that Titty |
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Lara Bingle
Lara opening the drapes
This was clearly a publicity stunt for her shitty new reality show. -Orsm |
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Kevin wrote:
Subject: Huge cunt
Hey Mr Orsm, I have never seen such a huge cunny before, thought you may find it interesting. cheers
It is indeed a huge cunt. May have been messing with this next guy... -Orsm |
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: before and after
Mr. Orsm. I've had the first pic for a while, just found the second one. Hopefully the "third one" is out there somewhere showing what that monster looks like after being pumped and removed...
I can't show you the third one because I'm a bit self-conscious. Sorry. -Orsm |
peter wrote:
Subject: see photo
Scarey Sand Trap |
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Alex wrote:
Subject: her boobs were as big as my head!
just thought id like to share her tits were as big as my head!
Proof that god exists and he wants us to be happy right there. -Orsm |
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Shags wrote:
Subject: XY Falcon
Before and after - Lakeside Raceway. Wouldn't it make you cry!!!
Proof that god cannot possible exist right there. How could this to happen otherwise? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hi!.
Here are some pictures of a ex gf from a couple of years back. From a small town namned vetlanda in sweden. Enjoy! Please keep details private |
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David wrote:
Subject: Texts from a Dog
Soooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!! If dogs could text....
I LOL'd. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hi
Hi. just like to say your site has been one of my top sites for years now keep up the brill work. I have noticed there aren't many pee pics in all your lovely collection so thought I could add a few, These are from a very dirty girl that's also on newbienudes as foxymamma, as you can see shes not a shy girl, please display as you wish and if the response it good I can always send some more including videos.......... and please hide my details |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Where's my dog?
Shame, but the mutts a definite goner. Regards
Poor little guy. -Orsm |
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sissyjaney wrote:
Subject: my pictures
Mr Orsm. Since the video of me is out there you should have these.
Would love to see you do that to my toilet. Hate crimes are committed against it daily. -Orsm |
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Hard To Explain, But Funny!
One of my friends in New Haven, Connecticut, manages to catch this crazy dude walking the streets on a regular basis. I think this guy might be from another planet. If anyone is in the area that would be awesome to get more of this guy. |
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troy wrote:
Subject: Online dating cumdump
This woman sent me these pictures on text, I doubt i'm the only who saw them that day.
Chubber that knows how to be sexy - the chubby lovers are going to enjoy these. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Check out Fun Day at the Boat Launch
Yup, Probably a couple of BU grads in there.... YEEEEE HA!!! Genny Cream and a 4-wheel drive pick-up! All ya need for fun at the beach! I am confused? There was either too much beer or not enough and what was the guy with the MoPar thinking? Funny to watch. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Reader mail section
G'day ORSM. Thought that you might find this interesting. It's the JCB Dancing Diggers from the 2012 construction machinery show. A few mates and I turned up to the exhibition and caught this show. This's the edited official version now. Love the precision and smoothness of it all, and the fellas and sweet looking lasses that participated in it. Looks awesome to
see huge machines with such delicate handling abilities. Cheers. |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Accident Dave Episode 1
Hi Mr Awesome Orsm, Thought you may like my latest video and get a laugh. Cheers [Youtube link here] |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game. Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
The agent then says "Mr President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And... the fans would love it!" So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says "If that's what the people want".
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming - and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.
The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH..."
| FUCK SLUT: ZARINA |
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little broom!" "IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
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A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus" he said "The wife says it's okay". I'll paint ya in da nude alright. But I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..."
| CELESTE SHOWS US HER... STAR |
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Sally and Harry have been married for 50 years and are being interviewed by a reporter from the local newspaper.
"So Sally" asks the reporter "I know today is your golden wedding anniversary, how old, exactly, are you?" "I am 78 years old" replies Sally proudly. "And I hope I live to be 100". "Well I hope your wish comes true" says the reporter.
The reporter then turned to Harry and asked "And how old are you, Harry?" "I'm also 78 years old" replies Harry "and, please God, I should live to be 101". "But why" asked the reporter "would you want to live one year longer than your wife?"
"Well, to tell you the truth" replies Harry "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet".
ORSM
VIDEO
That's a wrap people but please-please-please read the following. It'll avoid that awkward moment when I have to punch you in the face...
-Check out the site archives. Really, it's the decent thing to do in this situation.
-Next update will be next Thursday although in some areas that may not be the case. Please check your local guide.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put you in a VERY precarious position.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember no one likes a fuckhead. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
